I have lived in this shared one bedroom apartment with my craigslist roommate for close to three years. I have stared out at the dirt and mildew stained walls outside my window thousand of times thinking about my life and existence and the future. I keep feeling like I will be sad when I leave on Saturday, but I suddenly realized that this place has never really been my home.
In my transient young adulthood, this is the longest that I’ve ever stayed in one place, but the yellow tiled bathroom and beige walls don’t belong to me. No matter what efforts I put in to making this place mine, the calendar on the wall, or chalk boards with my to-do lists, it never really felt quite right. It was always a shared place, not fully my own. I think about all the memories I’ve made here, all the ways that I’ve really come into my own and become a person I am happy to be, and built relationships here and a life, but that isn’t about the place itself.
Sure, I will miss the memories, and maybe a little bit of the freedom I had in this ~300sq ft room, but this place was never really my home. Now I have the chance to make a real one for myself, if I am ready to give up the idea of myself as a transient youth and move forward into a real life with someone. It’s scary and overwhelming, but I’m ready to say goodbye to this non home and move forward into a real house with plants and dogs and friends and a man who loves me.
So goodbye, mildew stained paneled wall. I don’t think I’ll miss you.
I sit on the train, my head resting against the rain soaked window pane. I watch as a water drop slowly moves its way towards me and then I look up, wondering if anyone is watching the sad girl staring out the window. But then I remember that this is not a romance novel; no one is going to see my hunched shoulders and teary eyes and want to fix me.
Many a good man has tried. They have kissed my scars and held me as I cried, but their compliments wained and I went back to my old ways: scratching at my skin and barely holding myself together. This is not a romance novel. I have to be the one to save me in the end.
This is something I shouldn’t admit- but sometimes when I really miss you I go back and read all of our text messages from the very beginning. It takes a long time just to scroll up and even longer to read all of them. I laugh and smile a lot, and cry even more. Sometimes it’s happy tears, reading something you said that is so sweet and sincere that it melts my heart all over again, but mostly I feel a great sense of loss.
I don’t like feeling wrong- I read those messages and still feel like we really had something good. I was wrong again I suppose. At a certain point it’s hard to keep passing the blame; I’m the common denominator in all of my failed relationships. It’s easy to say that I’m so amazing and all these guys are blind, stupid, asshole, idiots: but is that really true?
I read our messages over and over again. I cry because I can feel the loss every time. I was wrong, and this time being right actually mattered.
I wonder about the silence- about all the things we choose not to say in between. What lies there? What is being left unsaid in your commas and your abbreviations? Are there secrets there? Or is it just that: silence?
Silence has its own sound though.
I think that it’s slightly ironic- you hear a sad song and think of her, while I listen to the same song and thing of you. I guess someone is always hurting and there’s always someone else hurting them. Everything comes back around eventually.
I wonder which is worse- the silence or actually hearing what else there is to say.
I still look for your car outside my apartment every time I come home, thinking maybe you’ll be there. I know you’re not and that you’re probably never going to be again. Tears sting at my eyes as I write those words, but you’ve gone days without talking to me by choice. It’s so easy for you and you don’t even have a clue what you’re doing to me. I should let it go and move on but instead I wait, my stomach in knots with every hour that passes; what if I never hear from you again?
I deserve so much better- I deserve what you gave me before. Yet I still look for your car every time I come home, a flutter of hope inside of me before I turn the corner. I know you’re not there and I know you never will be, but I hold onto what you gave me before.
I just locked myself in my bedroom with the full intention of giving up. I was laying there thinking really dark things, I mean really contemplating things, ya know? I think in a sense it’s hopelessness, though maybe not really because there is some sort of hope at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel. I think the biggest thing is loneliness. I feel very truly alone in all of this.
I laid there with the full intention of just letting the night come in from outside and fill me up and take me away. I started thinking about sharp things, because that’s where my mind goes when I try to reach out to people and they don’t respond. No matter what I do it isn’t good enough. Crying for help is useless, shouting makes things even worse, silence receives nothing.
What do I have to do or say to get someone to care? Or maybe that’s the trouble. No one cares about me at all.
Rant rant rant. I keep telling myself to use this feeling for something. So here we are. I wrote about it, it’s used, and now here you are. Reading these words, of me at the end of my rope.
When I was with him I missed you. It’s ironic really. Because I was trying so hard to move forward and the very moment I did, I was the furthest from not loving you than I’ve ever been.
His hands on my skin were nice, it was all nice. But all I could think of was the way our bodies fit together. The way I would snuggle into you and you’d rest your hand on my hip. You know what I like and want, you’re familiar. Our fit was perfect, his was fine. I wished I could’ve fit with him. He was asking me if I was okay and kissing my neck and rubbing my shoulders. You were at a party getting drunk, forgetting about me, if you hadn’t already. Even before that, before that, months ago, your body was turned away from me and you ignored my heaved sighs and quiet tears, you were already slipping away from me.
What hurts the most is that I let you still hurt me, that after all this time I am still so destroyed by loosing you and by the reality that things will likely never be the same again. You’re gone. Even though you’re right here.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
The words keep repeating in my head like the lyrics to a catchy pop song. Most of the time it’s my own exhausted voice, but sometimes it’s his: on the night that my comfy little facade of a life imploded. And I don’t know if I can keep doing this. I am hardly an optimist under the best of circumstances, but my little bit of hope that I have been holding onto for the last month seems to be fleeting.
Holy shit. It’s been a month already. Well I guess that explains why the drudgery of this situation has started to weigh heavier on me. It was already elephant like to begin with. The more time that passes, and the more I am forced to pigeon hole myself into the person he needs me to be right now, the more I fear that this isn’t going anywhere.
Am I really fine? Will I really be okay?
He’s gone for a couple of days, leaving me alone in the apartment and I begin to see the parallels between my mother and me. It has been so obvious to me that she is deluding herself in believing that she can somehow change enough, after 25 years of marriage, to make my dad want to stay. And here is where I begin to worry that perhaps I too, am deluding myself. This makes my stomach churn. I am so incredibly scared of making a fool out of myself, while everyone on the outside can clearly see that I am being naive and fighting a battle already lost (or won, depending on whose side you are on).
But I just feel myself so bursting with love and joy at the possibility of a better future with him. I have compartmentalized those feelings though, and play the part of sweet indifference so that he doesn’t see how lonely and aching I am for his love and affection. I won’t stay here alone tonight, I can’t stand more sleepless nights of praying to the stucco in hopes of some sort of miracle.
The scariest possibility of all, one I have barely let myself form into a full thought until this very moment, is that I am worth loving, and if he isn’t sure of that love for me anymore then… Maybe he never loved me at all.