I went for a walk alone tonight to clear my head. It is a beautiful fall evening and I left just as the sun was setting, the autumn air crisp and refreshing. I walked the way I usually do, my particular route that I like to walk or jog whenever I see fit. I was trying to clear my head to write, not this, but papers I have due in the coming days.
Instead I started thinking about this walk, and how it was something I really enjoyed doing, just for me and no one else. I thought about how it might be nicer sharing it with someone else, but then I realized that what I liked about it was that it was my walk, something I had all to myself. Sometimes the things that are special are only special to you, and that’s okay.
It made me think that no matter what happens with all of this mess, the papers, the drama, the walking, that I will be okay. I can walk alone, both in a literal and metaphorical sense, and I can keep going. I have a direction, a path that I like, and I’ve got two working feet to get me to where ever I need to go. I’ll be okay.
From the moment we are born our life’s clock starts ticking. From the very second we start something, it is one second closer to ending. I have been overly aware of this reality lately, feeling constantly and obsessively like time is running out. It is not an awareness that I am incredibly fond of. Living with a perpetual timer in my head has the effect that all I do is tainted by the fact that everything ends.
This isn’t meant to be a comment on our human condition or some sort of metaphysical discussion of our immortality but rather a reflection on how difficult it is to live in the moment. It’s all just grains of sand slipping away before our very eyes, and there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop it. I’m not sure how to make that sound less bleak than it is.
We can pretend that we will seize each moment and live each day to the fullest, but laying awake at night there is the crushing sensation that there is so much more left to do and not enough time. There is the overwhelming knowledge that we have not used our time well and that we are not where/who/what we thought we would be by now.
It is said that time is a mere human conception and that it is the reason for mankind’s worry. So how do we do away with the calendar and clock and live a life that is more intrinsically connected to desire and fulfillment? How do we let go of counting minutes and focus on what is truly important- the things that fill our time and make the hours disappear?