Tag Archives: rambling

Late night farewells.

room.jpgI have lived in this shared one bedroom apartment with my craigslist roommate for close to three years. I have stared out at the dirt and mildew stained walls outside my window thousand of times thinking about my life and existence and the future. I keep feeling like I will be sad when I leave on Saturday, but I suddenly realized that this place has never really been my home.

In my transient young adulthood, this is the longest that I’ve ever stayed in one place, but the yellow tiled bathroom and beige walls don’t belong to me. No matter what efforts I put in to making this place mine, the calendar on the wall, or chalk boards with my to-do lists, it never really felt quite right. It was always a shared place, not fully my own. I think about all the memories I’ve made here, all the ways that I’ve really come into my own and become a person I am happy to be, and built relationships here and a life, but that isn’t about the place itself.

Sure, I will miss the memories, and maybe a little bit of the freedom I had in this ~300sq ft room, but this place was never really my home. Now I have the chance to make a real one for myself, if I am ready to give up the idea of myself as a transient youth and move forward into a real life with someone. It’s scary and overwhelming, but I’m ready to say goodbye to this non home and move forward into a real house with plants and dogs and friends and a man who loves me.

So goodbye, mildew stained paneled wall. I don’t think I’ll miss you.

Write About Something- Anything.

It’s late and I can’t sleep. There’s a feeling of foreboding. Or maybe it’s excitement. I’m not sure. I signed the lease on my new place today and there’s electricity in the air surrounding this reality. I am moving out. I don’t ever have to see him again if I don’t want to. There’s a part of me that feels relieved and perhaps even elated by this realization, but then there’s the part that started to tear up just typing it out.

I may never see him again. But I will forever be reminded of him in everything. And that bothers me… Yes it bothers me. Or maybe, it brings me peace? There is something sort of romantic about the idea of holding pieces of people with you and allowing them to shape the way you view you the world. I know that each heartbreak has greatly changed me, in the same way that each triumph has. Though lately the heartbreaks have been numerous and the triumphs have been far and few.

A new job, a new place, a new life.

I will be okay. Sometime.

Something. Anything.