Tag Archives: music

The Great Escape.

I got back from vacation last night and so, today, between my days off and being back to reality, I have been living in a daydream. I’ve been sitting on the couch for the past hour, neglecting all of my “back to routine” responsibilities (laundry, gym, cleaning, groceries, etc), in favour of thinking about what could’ve, should’ve, and might be. I can’t help but feel like I am not where I am supposed to be.

It isn’t really that even, it feels more like I am not who I’m supposed to be. I’m going through a bad phase with social media where I look at other people’s accounts and compare my own and I feel like I look so incredibly superficial and boring. There’s no real content to my life. I worry that this speaks to a deeper level of dissatisfaction from the superficial happiness I have been experiencing.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it though. Go do what ought to be done, to start (laundry, gym, cleaning, groceries, etc), and then maybe work on re-prioritizing. But also remember that social media is not an actual representation of the ways in which people are living and experiencing their lives.

comparisonwillkillyou-dribbble_1x

Romanticizing Romance.

Dearest,

We only met once at a party. I remember you introduced yourself to me in the perfect gap in a conversation. I was complaining about how I didn’t need a boy, I needed a man, and you walked over and shook my hand. If this was a indie romance, we would have kissed in the snow, under the light of a streetlight, that very night. But it isn’t, I was already in a relationship; you did give my friend and I a ride back to our car on the other side of the city at 2 o’clock in the morning, a true gentleman.

You added me on facebook, but we haven’t seen each other since then. I moved to the coast and you’re still living in that small town where we first met. You’re in a cool band and you grew your hair out. Sometimes I listen to your music and think about your warm car, the sleeping city buzzing past us. I remember we talked the whole way home, but I don’t remember what about. You left enough of an impression on me, though. I partake in the self indulgent fantasy from time to time that you and I may end up together. Though I am, again, already in a relationship.

So the question for me, then becomes, should we expect one person to be everything?

Or better yet- can one person actually be everything you need them to be? Maybe that’s my problem and maybe that’s why my past relationships have failed, because I expect my partner to be able to fulfill my every need. That’s not very fair, is it? They are only one person, after all. So at the end of the day my dissatisfaction is not a reflection on them, but rather on my compulsive need to be perfect.

I want to be the quiet girl, that you just have to get to know. I want to be the exuberant one in the center of the room, that is intoxicating in her story-telling. I want to be smart, and funny, and sexy, and clever, and cute. I want to be a girl who can cook like your mom, and play video games and drink with the boys. I want to be sensitive and insightful, but also tough and independent. I want to be everything. I sometimes wonder who I could’ve been with you.

No one person can be everything though. Instead, I sit and write my self-indulgent bullshit, wondering when I will stop wondering about all the what-might-have-beens in my life.

What do you think, dearest?

Warm regards,

A friend of a friend, from the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party of ’10

Sort of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_4utiBscIE

This song, literally makes me cry. It is just exactly everything I’ve been feeling; I am feeling.

“Baby you’ve got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you’ve got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love’s too big for you my love

Baby you’ve got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love’s too big for you my love
My love’s too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby you’ve got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don’t need me, but you won’t leave me
My love’s too big for you my love
My love’s too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again”

I’ve had a whirlwind of a couple of weeks and it is now that I am finally sitting in front of my computer trying to work on a paper that I suddenly have the creativity to write. I want to write but it has nothing to do with my essay on midwives. I downloaded a song today with great lyrics that really moved me.

“I was staring at the sky, just looking for a star
To pray on, or wish on, or something like that
I was having a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew, was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that my chances
Were approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near, so did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird, but it was just a paper bag

Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
‘Cause I know I’m a mess he don’t wanna clean up
I got to fold ’cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love

– Paper Bag, Fiona Apple

I really really love finding songs that I can relate to so well. It’s really a strange feeling to hear something that is exactly how you feel and realize that that person has felt it too. You aren’t alone.

I’m not alone. Not totally.

Also, do you think her name is really Fiona Apple? What a name.

Megan Listens

I wrote yesterday about praying to God for some sort of answer, and yesterday on my bus ride I feel like I sort of got one. I was listening to music and absently staring out the window. I wasn’t really hearing or seeing anything in particular. I was making observations about the people getting on and off the bus, something that I think every person is guilty of: staring. I was wondering about my personal situation and feeling rather sorry for myself, something that, again, I think everyone is guilty of.

Suddenly the music in my ears rose to my consciousness, and the lyric, I’m the hero of this story, I don’t need to be saved stuck out to me and it felt like a divine answer of some sort. Or perhaps the opposite. I smiled briefly to myself and then played the song over again.

Here it is for your listening pleasure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9fwMSOzijQ

It’s alright, it’s alright, it’s alright