I have lived in this shared one bedroom apartment with my craigslist roommate for close to three years. I have stared out at the dirt and mildew stained walls outside my window thousand of times thinking about my life and existence and the future. I keep feeling like I will be sad when I leave on Saturday, but I suddenly realized that this place has never really been my home.
In my transient young adulthood, this is the longest that I’ve ever stayed in one place, but the yellow tiled bathroom and beige walls don’t belong to me. No matter what efforts I put in to making this place mine, the calendar on the wall, or chalk boards with my to-do lists, it never really felt quite right. It was always a shared place, not fully my own. I think about all the memories I’ve made here, all the ways that I’ve really come into my own and become a person I am happy to be, and built relationships here and a life, but that isn’t about the place itself.
Sure, I will miss the memories, and maybe a little bit of the freedom I had in this ~300sq ft room, but this place was never really my home. Now I have the chance to make a real one for myself, if I am ready to give up the idea of myself as a transient youth and move forward into a real life with someone. It’s scary and overwhelming, but I’m ready to say goodbye to this non home and move forward into a real house with plants and dogs and friends and a man who loves me.
So goodbye, mildew stained paneled wall. I don’t think I’ll miss you.
I think about the way that I am, or is the way that I choose to be, and wonder if I will ever be okay in my own skin. I feel too much, love to deeply, but approach the world with a bitter indifference. Don’t let them see you cry. Stiff upper lip. Continue reading WHO AM I?!
I have spent about the last ten years of my life on the search for the perfect man. I was an idealist, a romantic; I believed he was out there. I don’t believe that anymore. Continue reading Perfection.
Sometimes I drink a bit too much wine and listen to romantic songs and daydream about all my loves. Lately I have’t been thinking about you anymore, and I don’t think that’s a good sign. I think about the handsome bearded guy from the sushi place, who couldn’t stop smiling at me. I think about the fella on the bus who sat beside me and smelled like sandalwood. I think about the smart, well dressed gentleman from my class, and I dream about a tomorrow where I am sipping wine and telling them my story.
I tell him about how I tried my very best with you, but that it just wasn’t enough. At the end of the day you lacked empathy, and I couldn’t teach you how to do that, no matter how bad I wanted to. I talk about how it was the hardest decision I ever made, because it probably will be, because I was choosing between what I wanted (you), and what I knew I actually needed (more). I sit, and I daydream about it. But instead of action, I just take another swig of wine and smile when you enter the room. You don’t even notice my red eyes and tear stained cheeks.
I don’t know what to do.
How can I foster a healthy life with the deep rooted anxieties that plague our entire society? Continue reading Quit it.
I need to work on managing my expectations, because living in a constant state of disappointment or anxiety of impending let down is not a way to exist. As I write this I have tears brimming in my eyes because I let myself get too caught up in my hopes for a person, and when they did something human I couldn’t handle it.
But is that all my fault? They made a mistake. I need to work on finding a balance between setting realistic expectations of people but also being able to express my disappointment and frustrations.
It’s not a big deal, but when I’m sitting here alone it really worries me that this could be a shifting point for things, and that’s me, not you.
I have a problem of comparing myself to people, constantly trying to place myself on some sort of spectrum that defines my worth against others. I’m just trying to find my place amongst everyone else, but it ends up being detrimental to my emotional well being. I sit on the bus and go- I’m fatter than she is but definitely in better shape than that other girl; I have a nicer face than her but soandso has nicer skin; she is really sociable, but I’m funnier and so on and so on. I could compare myself to others forever.
What’s the point though? It doesn’t help me to feel like I’m better than other people, all it does is give me an unrealistic image of myself. Over and over again. Then why do we do it constantly?
I can’t stand uncertainty and the insecurity it creates. How dare you make me feel anything less than wonderful? How dare I let you wieled the power to change how I feel about myself? Over and over again, you’ve got me under. It really is just a game; I didn’t even know I was playing. Weak in the knees, and not in the good way. Trembling, you’ve made me ask myself over and over again what I did wrong this time. Nothing. Everything. Something? How dare you make me feel anything less than amazing?
I don’t have time for boys anymore. And that’s not to say that I’m not interested in meeting someone, but I don’t have time for anymore boys. What I need is a man. I need someone who realizes what a catch I am and isn’t going to waste my time. I’m sick of getting invested in things over and over again, telling my friends about this new guy, only to have him strut on out of my life (for no reason?!) mere weeks later. I’m becoming that single friend. So what I need is a man, someone who isn’t afraid to be in my life in a real way and someone who wants me to be in there’s. What I need is to hold out for him, because he’s out there; I’m pretty sure it’s not just my mom that believes that.
I wonder about the silence- about all the things we choose not to say in between. What lies there? What is being left unsaid in your commas and your abbreviations? Are there secrets there? Or is it just that: silence?
Silence has its own sound though.
I think that it’s slightly ironic- you hear a sad song and think of her, while I listen to the same song and thing of you. I guess someone is always hurting and there’s always someone else hurting them. Everything comes back around eventually.
I wonder which is worse- the silence or actually hearing what else there is to say.