1. I don’t think I can do this again.
2. The thought of someone like you would normally make me want to jump in front of a train.
3. I cannot decide if I’m actually happy or if I just want to be happy so bad that I’m making myself into this person.
4. At the end of the day we just have to be honest with ourselves; relationships suck.
5. There aren’t many things in this world that make me happy, but you…
6. When I used to imagine the person I would end up with it was basically the exact opposite of you.
7. There aren’t a lot of reasons for us to be together, it honestly doesn’t really even make any sense why I’m attracted to you, but I can’t help it. You’re like a drug that I can’t get enough of. I’m addicted to you.
8. I don’t remember the last time I was actually happy.
9. I feel so lucky to have met you.
10. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.
I remember staring out the window as the countryside flashed by us, the stars bright in the sky, and the mountains like a shadow against the night. We were passing wine in the back seat, taking giant greedy sips trying to keep this euphoric feeling from slipping away. I felt warm and cozy with you as I touched the glass pane and felt the chill of the air outside. That song was playing on the radio, the one that I like so much, and I was singing along without a care in the world. That’s when I suddenly remembered what happiness feels like, it isn’t bright and shiny like we imagine it to be, but sometimes it’s just warm and cozy. These moments would fade and combine into others, the frivolity of the evening would change our happy glow. But I still feel it when I look back at that car ride, your fingers interlaced with mine and that song playing on the radio.
Oh home is wherever I’m with you…
I need to work on managing my expectations, because living in a constant state of disappointment or anxiety of impending let down is not a way to exist. As I write this I have tears brimming in my eyes because I let myself get too caught up in my hopes for a person, and when they did something human I couldn’t handle it.
But is that all my fault? They made a mistake. I need to work on finding a balance between setting realistic expectations of people but also being able to express my disappointment and frustrations.
It’s not a big deal, but when I’m sitting here alone it really worries me that this could be a shifting point for things, and that’s me, not you.