These are the things I want to say to you- the things that I think it might be important for you to know.
I am afraid that I have let the world harden and jade me. I used to be a romantic. I used to be able to see the good in everyone and love without fear. Now I tell myself that I was naive and childish, and maybe that’s true but I am afraid that I have let the best parts of myself slip away. I wonder who I would be now if I didn’t feel the need to protect myself all the time. Every single feeling I have is felt with a tinge of anxiety, always erring on the side of caution. I’ve convinced myself that it’s instinct, but I worry that it’s these so called “instincts” that are causing my problems, like self fulfilling prophesies.
When I look at you I want to feel all the butterflies and magic that I can acknowledge are there, but a voice somewhere tells me to relax, to be cool, to be reasonable. So I smile coyly, a master of the game I’m playing against myself.
Really, I’m just afraid of losing you. Really, I’m just afraid of everything.