These are the things I want to say to you- the things that I think it might be important for you to know.

I am afraid that I have let the world harden and jade me. I used to be a romantic. I used to be able to see the good in everyone and love without fear. Now I tell myself that I was naive and childish, and maybe that’s true but I am afraid that I have let the best parts of myself slip away. I wonder who I would be now if I didn’t feel the need to protect myself all the time. Every single feeling I have is felt with a tinge of anxiety, always erring on the side of caution. I’ve convinced myself that it’s instinct, but I worry that it’s these so called “instincts” that are causing my problems, like self fulfilling prophesies.

When I look at you I want to feel all the butterflies and magic that I can acknowledge are there, but a voice somewhere tells me to relax, to be cool, to be reasonable. So I smile coyly, a master of the game I’m playing against myself.

Really, I’m just afraid of losing you. Really, I’m just afraid of everything.


Doors Closing and Opening- What’s the Saying Again?

I’m feeling a little bit lost in myself today, like I’m in some sort of dream-like state. The edges of my mind will not focus and everything passes me by in a haze. I lay here sipping tea, daydreaming, and then slowly turn to see my door standing ajar. I never leave my door open. But there it is, wide open.

I am at a place in between dreams. With all the chaos and excitement of the last few days, having today to settle down and reflect makes it all feel unreal. How could it be real? That after all this time, after convincing myself that there must be something wrong with me and that maybe I just needed to stop looking- it’s happened. I’m being vague, I know; it is intentional. For I fear so greatly even saying out loud what it is that I think I have found, because then it may slip through my fingers before I have even been able to fully grasp it.

But I think that my door is finally opened.