I can’t stand uncertainty and the insecurity it creates. How dare you make me feel anything less than wonderful? How dare I let you wieled the power to change how I feel about myself? Over and over again, you’ve got me under. It really is just a game; I didn’t even know I was playing. Weak in the knees, and not in the good way. Trembling, you’ve made me ask myself over and over again what I did wrong this time. Nothing. Everything. Something? How dare you make me feel anything less than amazing?
I don’t have time for boys anymore. And that’s not to say that I’m not interested in meeting someone, but I don’t have time for anymore boys. What I need is a man. I need someone who realizes what a catch I am and isn’t going to waste my time. I’m sick of getting invested in things over and over again, telling my friends about this new guy, only to have him strut on out of my life (for no reason?!) mere weeks later. I’m becoming that single friend. So what I need is a man, someone who isn’t afraid to be in my life in a real way and someone who wants me to be in there’s. What I need is to hold out for him, because he’s out there; I’m pretty sure it’s not just my mom that believes that.
No matter how guarded I am against the harshness of heartbreak it seems to constantly make it past my defenses. Even when I haven’t given my love freely. I let people in even when I don’t realize it, even when I don’t intend to.
I have my heart broken over and over again- by the guys of my dreams and by the guys from tinder whose jokes I couldn’t even pretend to laugh at. I fear what this means, that I am just so desperately looking for someone to love and cherish me that I don’t even care if I don’t feel that way either.
Maybe I should just focus on loving myself and being loved in the ways that matter right now. I can’t break my own heart can I?
It is 6:00am and I have already thought about you dozens of times. Early mornings are still a strange sensation to me. The city is still asleep as the people who serve the early risers begin their day. I wonder if I will be the first thing that crosses your mind as you open your eyes.
They say that when you hear hoofbeats you should think horses not zebras. The most logical answer is usually the right one. I’m already tired of asking questions.
Sometimes your mouth tastes like cigarettes, but I’ve never bothered to ask if you smoke.
Sometimes when you say something nice, I don’t say anything at all, but you’ve never asked me what’s wrong.
It’s funny because questions are your thing.
Somethings are maybe better left unsaid.
I don’t want you to be a smoker, so I haven’t asked. Does that mean that you don’t ask what’s wrong because you don’t want to know? The words left unsaid are heavy in my mouth. I want you to know that it’s okay to not know what you want, but I want you to want me.
I will forever accept less than I deserve.