Monthly Archives: February 2015

On Loving Them and Me.

I often sit in lonely rooms and think of what it means to be loved. Comprehending love itself is hard enough; our body has some sort of chemical reaction in relation to a number of different factors. There is usually an initial physical attraction, something that draws us in. Then we react and fall in love with their personalities, their mannerisms, their sense of humour, their entire being. We fall in love with the way they make us feel about ourselves. That is complicated. But then I sit and wonder about how people have fallen in love with me. How they see me frowning or chewing my lip nervously or tilting my head back in laughter and they want to talk to me. Then they listen to me, hear my millions of different ways of laughing, see the way my eyes get dewy when I talk about things that matter and maybe they even see the sadness behind me, always lurking just below the surface. They watch me and notice how I talk incessantly with my hands, how I never sit up straight, and how I look to the floor when entering a room. They laugh at my dry jokes and witty comebacks and think that my self-deprecating sense of humour is endearing. They get a rush of butterflies by the simple sound of my name, even when I am not in the room. They don’t see the same person that I see in the mirror. They marvel at all my curves and scars, the dark places that I don’t let anyone else see. To them, I am full and wonderful, not broken and miserable. When they are with me, they feel better. I wonder so greatly how it is possible that I have ever made someone feel this way, that I continue to have people that come into my life and want to stay there.
They usually end up wanting to leave though, or I do. Because life is full of uncertainties and I am indecisive and imperfect. It doesn’t matter how great things are; the more time you spend with a wonderful person, the more ordinary they become.
And so we hold our breath waiting for the next one to come around; it’s just when we exhale, our minds and bodies relaxed, that it finally does. It’s bigger and better than before; it makes you feel smaller and worse. You didn’t know it was possible. So you hold your breath again. Inhale… exhale, repeat.