I still look for your car outside my apartment every time I come home, thinking maybe you’ll be there. I know you’re not and that you’re probably never going to be again. Tears sting at my eyes as I write those words, but you’ve gone days without talking to me by choice. It’s so easy for you and you don’t even have a clue what you’re doing to me. I should let it go and move on but instead I wait, my stomach in knots with every hour that passes; what if I never hear from you again?
I deserve so much better- I deserve what you gave me before. Yet I still look for your car every time I come home, a flutter of hope inside of me before I turn the corner. I know you’re not there and I know you never will be, but I hold onto what you gave me before.
It is our human right to be happy. And I have been struggling with this every single day. I close my eyes regularly and breathe in and out saying to myself, no no no it’s okay, you’re okay, with tears weighing heavily behind my eyelids. I have to convince myself, because I am okay, yeah, I am okay. My yoga teacher said something in class recently that has really stuck with me; she spoke about how in life there are always two choices: fear or love. We can chose to handle everything in our lives with either fear or love, and that choice is ours and ours alone.
I’ve been living my life in fear- fear, mainly, that I am not enough. This plagues my every action. I live my life in a constant state of insecurity and I can’t even begin to explain why. But no more. I am tired, so tired of feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy and that my feelings don’t matter. Because they do.
So my choice to be here- it’s done out of love. When I get to fall asleep listening to the rain tapping outside my window almost every night I feel so incredibly overwhelmed with gratitude for this life I’ve chosen. Even though it may be shitty and hard and more than I can handle. I fall asleep each night hearing natures comforting voice. I chose this. Uncertain as I may be, this is the choice I made.
Fear or Love?
I have been feeling very inconvenienced lately by my own… Feelings. I have sat frustrated, tears in my eyes with a sense of panic and anxiety over the prospect of loving again and whatever that brings with it. I’ve been allowing this all to hurt me rather than to be the gift that it is. Yes, it isn’t simple, it’s complicated and with challenges as everything is in life. But I have realized what a privilege it is in this life just to be able to feel things- to be able to, after all the struggle and pain I have felt, to be able to still hand myself over to the tidal wave of emotion that is love and life.
It is a gift to feel and even though it is tumultuous and inconvenient I have decided to just embrace it. Because I should really be all hardened and bitter after what I’ve gone through, but I’m not. I am still so open to the possibility that what I believe I deserve is out there for me. Because it is, it has to be!
So here’s me, turning over a new leaf. And yeah, maybe in a weeks time I will be back here typing out some sob story of how love is bullshit and I don’t deserve it, but here we are now- hoping.
I wonder if you could’ve forseen the person I would become. This whole human being with thoughts, feelings, and opinions all separate from the ones you taught me. I am acting on my own, making big decisions without your consent or opinion. I take care of myself and you are the one who has to ask if I need help. Pride, yes, that’s something you taught me.
You held me in your arms as a newborn baby and saw a whole future for me and watched me grow before your very eyes, year after year; is this what you imagined? When you taught me how to walk and talk did you picture me moving out of your house and lives with a whirlwind of emotion and opportunity?
I can’t imagine the feeling: remembering what it was like to hold me in your arms knowing that you were the only thing protecting me from the harsh cruel world- the only thing keeping me alive, and now having to stand by and watch as the world releases tirade after tirade of trials and tribulations. Do you feel helpless? Or do you feel freed?
Is this what you imagined? Better, or worse?
When we live our lives constantly waiting in fear for the next bad thing to come we always expect it. Yes, maybe we don’t get our hopes up and when something disappointing happens we can say, “Oh it’s okay, I saw it coming.” But while we wait with anxiety building in our hearts, we also miss all the good stuff along the way. Because in between each bad thing there’s stuff to take pleasure in, or at least notably okay things.
What I’m tired of, and I mean truly exhausted of, is making myself feel small because it’s easier. I’ve spent years pushing myself down because it was easier to say, “Oh ya, I don’t like that about me either.” than to declare that I thought I had something truly worth bragging about. I have spent my 21 years thinking that pleasing others and being humble was more important than loving myself. Do you know where that left me? It left me alone, totally alone, without anyone to tell me how great I am, not even myself.
So at the end of the day what matters now is being able to say, “You know, today was okay and so am I”.