I’ve been saying to myself and my loved ones for the last 6 months that the reason I stay is that I would rather be miserable in a city I love than be in a city I dislike and still sad. Yesterday my thoughts shifted. I was shopping alone and started to feel anxious and agitated. I wanted my mom there to tell me what looked good, to go grab me a smaller size. I wanted to be able to text my best friend and meet up for drinks. Instead I shopped, bought a dress I’m not sure looks good, and came home and hid out in my room.
These are the hard choices. I always felt like my reason to stay was this city and this lifestyle, but I am so busy working to afford to live here that I hardly have the time (let alone the energy) to do anything. I have very few friends and very little money. I’m not happy here. If I was home I would at the very least have friends and family to help me and support me. I could be there to help with my new nephew and be a part of something again.
When I lay it out like that it seems obvious that I should go home, that I’m not in the right mind space right now to be living out here. But then why am I not actually seriously considering leaving?
What am I even doing here?