One of my favourite songs ATM
It’s late and I can’t sleep. There’s a feeling of foreboding. Or maybe it’s excitement. I’m not sure. I signed the lease on my new place today and there’s electricity in the air surrounding this reality. I am moving out. I don’t ever have to see him again if I don’t want to. There’s a part of me that feels relieved and perhaps even elated by this realization, but then there’s the part that started to tear up just typing it out.
I may never see him again. But I will forever be reminded of him in everything. And that bothers me… Yes it bothers me. Or maybe, it brings me peace? There is something sort of romantic about the idea of holding pieces of people with you and allowing them to shape the way you view you the world. I know that each heartbreak has greatly changed me, in the same way that each triumph has. Though lately the heartbreaks have been numerous and the triumphs have been far and few.
A new job, a new place, a new life.
I will be okay. Sometime.
I’ve fabricated myself. I have created a version of Megan that is completely romanticized. I stand up to people who are rude to me and I dance when I like the song that is playing. Because that’s what I want to be like, if my fear didn’t get in my own way. I sit quietly in the corners of my own life watching things unfold, rather than making them happen.
So does that mean that I will forever live in uncertainty waiting for the answers to my questions, rather than seeking them?
No, I refuse. I need to be more than mediocre and forgettable.