On this Saturday night, similar to most Saturday nights, I had no plans. The only thing different is that I think I would’ve liked to have done something. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy because the loneliness has been quite stifling and I go into this deep abyss of sadness and self loathing each and every time the door closes and I am alone.
So I sat. I watched shitty netflix tv. I watched The Vow. I cried. I talked to a boy. The boy stopped talking to me. And I’m alone. Me, myself, and fucking I. They say stuff like, “You need to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else”. But that’s bullshit, because being alone sucks. We can glorify sitting alone and reading books, drinking black coffee and smoking your cigarettes, but it’s not romantic. It’s depressing.
I’ve seen The Vow before, I know that they end up working it out and being happy so my tears weren’t necessarily for them. I cried, sobbed really, because I couldn’t stop thinking about the idea that I may never ever find someone who loves me that much. Someone who would stay with me and fight for me and look at me and see the world. I’ve had a few gentlemen who’ve held me in high regard and made me feel like a woman, but it fades.
Because everything fades; everything. My sadness will fade, along with my happiness. All things come and go.
Goddam bullshit fucking everything fades.