He’s gone for a couple of days, leaving me alone in the apartment and I begin to see the parallels between my mother and me. It has been so obvious to me that she is deluding herself in believing that she can somehow change enough, after 25 years of marriage, to make my dad want to stay. And here is where I begin to worry that perhaps I too, am deluding myself. This makes my stomach churn. I am so incredibly scared of making a fool out of myself, while everyone on the outside can clearly see that I am being naive and fighting a battle already lost (or won, depending on whose side you are on).
But I just feel myself so bursting with love and joy at the possibility of a better future with him. I have compartmentalized those feelings though, and play the part of sweet indifference so that he doesn’t see how lonely and aching I am for his love and affection. I won’t stay here alone tonight, I can’t stand more sleepless nights of praying to the stucco in hopes of some sort of miracle.
The scariest possibility of all, one I have barely let myself form into a full thought until this very moment, is that I am worth loving, and if he isn’t sure of that love for me anymore then… Maybe he never loved me at all.